Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Not My Day....

Have you ever had one of those days when the only thing you can get right is the vegetable soup for dinner? No one can mess up vegetable soup. I got a blister cutting up veggies with a dull knife..... Today is just not my day.
I feel so emotionally out of control. I started my day right! I got Garrett up for a wonderful prayer/ walk in the bright new morning sun. It was a gorgeous, glorious sunrise by the way. Then Garrett left for work and my work began. Everyone seemed happy as they cascaded, one by one, down the steep, steep stairs. I am constantly trying not to worry that a kid will eventually forget how to climb down carefully and plummet to the landing. Thank God there is a landing before the bottom. I feel so full of fear these last few days. Every thump leaves me waiting for the wailing that will send us to the hospital. It reminds me that it has been almost 2 full years since my bus accident here in this country and I am still jumpy when I hear loud thumps. When will that go away?
My day began a downward spiral as the girls decided to battle it out over every little thing. Who gets to pick the movie that will babysit them for a few hours. Which of course makes me feel like an even better mom. "Start your day with a little TV".
The boys got busy on their computers doing their school work. We started school a few weeks early to work out all the bugs. Only, I am finding the bugs might all be in my boys. They zoom through a lesson in minutes only to turn in failing grades. Over and over I return the same work and receive back less and less effort. I feel like I will scream. Oh wait, I have been screaming at the boys all day. It doesn't seem to be working though. I can see the confidence drain away from them. That is not what I want for my precious, darling children. I want to build them up and edify them. Yet, I can't seem to change the pattern. They do crappy work and I get all worked up. When will I leave my ugly self in the death that happend when I turned my life over to Christ?
I read today in Romans so much wonderful news! Romans 15:14 "My brothers and sisters, I am sure that you are full of goodness. I know that you have all the knowledge you need and that you are able to teach each other." That sounds so nice doesn't it. I have to confess that I do have the knowledge to teach my children but feel I fail in teaching them so many times. What I seem to be teaching them is how to sound irritated with each other and to bite back when they don't like something that was said. I know I am not a miserable failure, but today I feel like one.
We have company coming for dinner tonight. I think," How will I act when they get here?" Certainly I am not going show this ugly side when they get here. What do my kids think when they see such transformation? It is a horrible reality that I try harder to please those whom are outside of my family. Is that true with you?
There's another wonderful message from God I read today in Romans 12 ," I beg of you to offer your lives as a living sacrifice to him. Your offering must be only for God and pleasing to him, which is the spiritual way for you to worship. Do not be shaped by this world; instead be changed within by a new way of thinking. Then you will be able to decide what God wants for you; you will know what is good and pleasing to him and what is perfect." The problem I face here is that each time I step outside the bounds of this knowledge I am deeply convicted. I feel such conviction today. It would be lovely just to surround myself with people who will say , "Hey, give yourself a break, you moved your whole family to another country." That is nice and all, but when do you stop giving yourself an excuse to behave badly and not just do what it takes to make a change. I think I have a lot more ability than I give myself credit for. It is time to make this my day. So I better sign off. I have to go let a naughty little girl out of her room. The yelling has stopped though so I am quite certain she is asleep. Which will of course make for an impossible bed time later tonight. I also need to do a few one on one's with each of the boys before company comes and apologize for the area of my failure in parenting yet again. I imagine it gets quite old having your mom screw up time and time again. It is quite humbling to have to apologize to your children for sure. Have you tried it lately? I have found it to be the hardest thing to do...... The weather is looking nice outside, maybe it is time we all went for a walk.......

1 comment:

photography by krista said...

ugh, we've all had those days. i'll definitely be praying for you, and i know that you will be faithful! we love you over here. xoxo!

k, t ,& b