Another Forum

So sorry I have not posted in a while but have been spending my time getting our Spiritual Life Community Center sight up and running for the City Church here in Lithuania.

I have posted several blogs on this sight and would love for you to visit it, check it out and let me know what is missing or what you like.......

Click on "Another Forum" above to go straight to the sight:)

or type www.serving.lt (lt as in Lithuania)

Transitions 6

Going to the movies is one way we can find entertainment. Just recently (about 2 years ago) a theater was built inside the large mall called,"Akropolis". The theater is called "Cinnamon". It has 6 screens but they are pretty small theatres compared to the large ones we have come to expect from our megaplexes in California. Movies come out here a few weeks to a few months after they are released in the States. All English made movies are viewed in English with Lithuanian subtitles (unless they are animated). It is a good way to watch and read Lithuanian at the same time to see how they are translating the phrases we often hear. Half the time we feel like we need to take in a pen and notebook paper to take notes while watching:)

The seating is assigned, so you get your ticket and look for your seat assignment, like "G6" or something, then begin hunting. One thing we have noticed about this is that no matter how little the theater is filled you will see all the people clumped into the middle of the theater without an open seat between them. It is rather outside of our comfort zone to be smashed in like sardines when it is not necessary, so we often will move to another row and stretch out. I need a seat for my bag you know:) Lithuanians don't seem to crave the same amount of personal space that we have become accustom to and practically demand and feel we deserve:)

Because the theater is located inside a mall they are not as hyper about you bringing in bags with you and we have not noticed any bans on outside food. But the menu items they have to offer are not entirely unreasonably priced. The fun items you find at the snack bar (and the same place where you purchase your theater ticket) are nachos with cheese sauce(as close as you get to Mexican food in this country), traditional movie theater popcorn, candy bars, soda and of course beer. Yep, you read right, beer! What would a movie be without a beer to enjoy it with:)

Transitions 5

Going out to eat is a challenge in and of itself. Lithuania has not embraced the American Motto," The customer is always right", but more like,,"If you don't like it....tough." Most menus, we have observed, are translated into English, but what that may mean is still a mystery. Our favorite wrong translations are "Shrimps" and "Fruits". You can really find some good entertainment reading the menus. "Almonds" on the menu are almost always peanuts when you get them and nothing seems to arrive looking the way you imagined it would look. Anytime I see something that sounds familiar I never order it because it never comes the way I think it should. We usually find stuff we like and stick with it forever! Though you will never get the same thing twice, even if you order it day after day. Somehow they always make it different:) It keeps you from getting into a rut or depending on filling a food addition craving. Well, you can just forget it, you will be disappointed every time:) You learn to just appreciate what you get and if it is exceptionally good, well then you just enjoying it:)

Nothing feels like home in the restaruants here. The glasses are small, the drinks are warm, you have to pay for water and it is never enough to quench your thirst so you must buy your refill. The place settings are given for the amount of food dishes ordered so we are always having to ask for more forks and spoons. There is no salt on the table and ketchup cost 50 centu. The food comes out spuratically and you may get your appetizer at the end of the meal. The check does not come unless you ask for it and the waitresses rarely smile. Regardless of all these things it is still quite a privelege to go out to eat because for a Lithuanian it is very expensive. We take the family out to eat, maybe once a month.

Some of the nice things about going out the eat are: The atmosphere is wonderful. Most places are layed out for you to stay for a while. The check doesn't come until you request it because the waitress doesn't expect you to eat and run. Many of the nicer restaurants have couches and low tables, though it isn't convenient to eat at, when the meal is over it is quite comfortable to lounge around and visit.

Lithuania has a flare for laying out a dish too. Even at an average restaurant it is no surprise to get a plate that is garnished beautifully. A gourmet look at a reasonable price. The food here is good too. Potatoes come in every way shape and form and are fresh and delicious. Mayonaise is used in just about everything, especially in the salads. Salads here do not consist of lettuce at all. In fact, a lot of time, the lettuce is the garnish that holds the salad often made of shredded carrots, cabbage and raw garlic. Oh and of course mayo:) Along with cut up tomatoes, cucumbers and pickles (made fresh usually) on the side.

There are only a few fast food restaurants here. McDonald's of course and another new burger place called "Hessburger". And a couple of places that serve "Kabobas" , which is meat in a pita. We haven't eaten there yet. It is very expensive to eat at these places so we generally don't eat out with the whole family. There is no Mexican food to speak of around here and we miss that more than anything:) So we have taco night at our house every few weeks. We pretty much eat at home these days. I am really loving to cook too so that is good eh?

HE HAS RISEN!

Oh, he has risen indeed! Today at church we greeted each other with this traditional phrase and it drove it home all the more that this is the day to be celebrated. Without this day that Christ rose from the dead all that we do in life would be worthless and mean nothing. He has risen! I can't think of a time when this day meant more to me then this Easter Sunday. I don't know what the difference was. Maybe it started early in the week as our family gathered together to decorat our eggs in traditional Lithuanian style. With live plants and boiling them in water with red onion skins as dye. They turned out looking pretty incredible for our first try.

Or perhaps it started by attending the prayer time Thursday night. I entered a very small banquet room lit only by the open mouth fireplace and the candles that were generously placed on the tables which were thoughtfully laid out in the shape of a large cross with only a small plate at each chair, enough to seat about 30. Just the amount of people that showed up.

We entered the room in meditative silence. After we all hung our coats and greeted each other warmly we sat ourselves around the cross shaped tables and prayed silently continuing to embrace the quiet atmosphere. I kneeled at my chair and sobbed. A much needed release and connection with our heavenly father. It was a safe place to meet the Lord and unload my burdens into his care. We sat in prayer for a very long time. It was fantastic.

The Pastor sat at the head of the cross, his wife at his left and I sat next to her so that she could translate to me all that would be said. I so appreciated that they would accommodate me being that I was the only one there who didn't speak the language and her talking would add a bit of noisiness to the quiet, reverent atmosphere and keep her from absorbing the evening herself.

The Pastor began by sharing about the Israelites passover meal before they fled Egypt. He also shared that we would partake in the traditional passover (Sadar) meal. We passed the lamb and passed it again until it was gone and not a morsel was left. No utensils were used. It was interesting to look around and see that a few of the Lithuanians in the room had obviously never eaten lamb before and by the looks on their faces they didn't seem so crazy about it's strong flavor, but they ate it anyway. I had no problem taking up the slack here when the serving plate arrived to me the third time and still had a little meat on it. I almost felt like I was doing them a favor by eating what was left and not passing it on again:) You could feel the sigh of relief by some that they would not be asked to take anymore.

In between the elements of the supper, we heard scripture from various areas of the room and the pastor's wife and I lead acapella singing. It was a wonderful time of remembering our heritage in quiet reflective thought and wrapping up by sharing communion together, then greeting each other with,"Peace to you" at the close. The quiet reverence and low voices continued as we cleaned up the place, distinguished the fire and candle lights, locked the doors and headed home for the night.

On Saturday the church set up an elaborate prayer walk that took up half the University Gymnasium. It was the journey of the cross with 9 stations. It was simply amazing and most impressive. I have never seen anything quit like it. Several stations led in a half circle then up some steps and up some more steps to the foot of the cross at the center of the room and several meters high. I couldn't help but sob when I reached the foot of the cross as I considered how my sin had taken our beloved Lord and placed him there. It took time to pray and consider if I could let go of the burden of sin I carry with me so diligently and nail it to the wooden cross before me with the hammer, nails and paper provided. As I wept and wept I eventually conceded my burden to the foot of the cross. The trouble to nail it on echoed throughout the gym. And as each person did this it was a reminder to everyone there that God is big enough to carry all of our burdens. At the end of the journey I felt so overjoyed that our savior was not bound by death and I rejoiced in his resurrection from the grave! A new joy filled my soul as I left the room and headed home in the chilly night air.

Easter morning greeted both Garrett and I with delightful squeals from kids who found their Easter baskets and new church outfits (thanks Grandparents). Everyone dressed in their best and of course group photos were a must. All the way to church we talked about why we celebrate Easter and what that means. We were pleased to hear that the kids knew all about it and were more than willing to share their knowledge with us.

Once at church there seemed to be a spirit of pure joy in the air. People had come today with eager anticipation of our gathering. Our service opened with a young trio. Two of the students go to the Rainbow School where our kids go and I had asked them to share a song with us. They did a fantastic job and were received with enthusiastic clapping and cheers from the congregation when they were done. I can't wait to have then back again.

Worship on stage wasn't any different then usual except of course the song selection was focused on Christ's death and resurrection. Garrett and I were reflecting later that worship seemed more amazing because the attitude of the congregation had come ready to participate and it really was a whole experience and we could hear so many more people singing then we normally can. That is what made it great.

Saul preached a heartfelt sermon and we closed the service with a duet. I sang with a missionary's daughter who was out for a visit and has a magnificent voice! "My Redeemer Lives" by Mullens (?). We sang in English while the words were translated on the overhead. Elise and my voice mingled as if they were one. It was a good vocal match with power behind it. The congregation seemed to absorb the message and I could see so many swiping at their eyes. When we were done the congregation was stunned into silence and then erupted into applause in a way I have never heard from them before. It was so unexpected I didn't know what to do and we bobbled uncomfortably on stage for a few minutes waiting for what was supposed to happen next. Saul finally came back on stage, said a few words and then asked us to sing the song again (at least I think that's what he said:). So as people were invited to leave we sang the song one more time. More than half the congregation stayed for the reprise.

After church several young missionaries/staff at the University and a few study abroad students piled into our car and came to our house for a big burrito meal and fellowship in our living room. I can't think of a better way to have spent the afternoon after a fantastic week of celebrating Christ's death and resurrection.

Transitions 4

The traffic lights here are interesting. At first I felt like they were ,"duh lights" (you know, duh, do we need this much information) and this is why:

When you approach an intersection and the light is green you of course travel through, but as soon as the green light begins to turn into what we call a "stale green" light (one that has been green for some time) the yellow light comes on and the green and yellow light blink 3 times before changing to red as a warning that the green light will soon change to red, so prepare to stop. Many people stop when the light begins blinking and don't try to hurry through as most of us would (and I sometimes do myself). For those who are waiting at the red light, there is also the yellow light that appears with red and flashes 3 times to let the waiters know that soon it will turn green so they should prepare to go. We have observed many people driving through the intersection as soon as the blinking of red and yellow begin, but have found out it is not legal to do so. When I first observed this way of the traffic light, I scoffed at how "caudling" it was," Do we really need to know just when the light is going to change, my goodness." But now that I have been driving here for some time, I have really come to appreciate that the lights prepare you well for when they will change and there is no guess work at all involved in the process. At first I thought,"They would do well to adopt the American way of doing it!", but now I am thinking quite the opposite. It seems like the way Lithuanians do it is sensible and wish America would check it out:)

The rules and regulations of the road have also been very interesting and fun to learn. There are not many speed signs posted so I am often at the mercy of other drivers for what the correct speed limit is. Which is scary because they are all going different speeds. So it is not a very good beromitor for me.

I have found out many new and interesting things as I have driven with Lithuanian drivers. I always use driving people around as a time to ask questions about driving laws. I have found that anytime you are on a road driving through a village (town) the speed limit is always 50 kilometers (like 30 mph, ugh). There are no consitent posted speed limits, this is just something you 'know'. When you leave a village there will be a sign with the village name on it and a slash mark through it indicating you are leaving this village and if you are not entering another one right away then you can go 90 to 100 Kilometers. Which sounds fast, but is still only around 50 mph. You just have to relax and know you will get there eventually.

One of the funniest and most rediculous things I have encountered while driving as far as speed limits go is on our way back home from Kliapeda. There is a small stretch, not even a kilometer (which is half a mile) where you can go from 60 to 80 and the right back to 60 again. I laugh every time we pass it, but I make sure to speed up to get my 80 in:)

Another interesting difference here is the permenate metal green arrow attached to stop lights indicating that you can turn right at all times. I really like this one! Plus , we have found that the hazard lights here don't mean there is a broken down car, but that the car in question isn't parked and planning to stay for long so don't get inpatient with where they are parked (which half the time is in the middle of the road blocking traffic), and that brings us to the next topic of driving......

Cars stopped in the middle of the road to drop off a passenger or pick one up is a really irritating habit we see quite frequently here. This seems to be a convenience of the driver with no consideration to anyone else. When someone wants to be dropped off, you just pull over randomly to drop them off and make everyone else wait. It is really a road hazard and often causes some big traffic jams, but again we have to take a deep breath and not get too upset about it since it is happening all the time, all over town and is quite common.

And finally our favorite! You pretty much can park anywhere and every which way. We spend so much time in California lining our cars up just so and keeping them off the curbs. Back and forth, back and forth to get it into the parking spot nice and straight. Here, you just line your car up however the person before you has parked. If the lines are straight and you are the first one there and you choose to park diagnal, then that is the way the parking will go. If your car is too big and the street is narrow, you just pop a set of your wheels up on the curbside. We always get a big laugh out of the parking lots outside the malls around here. It just looks like sheer K-oss!

One of the things we have learned since being here is that the common tragedy that kills more missionaries all over the world is car accidents. So of course we buckle up when we drive and are always driving defensively. Most people in this country still do not see the importance of seat belts, so we are a bit strange to a lot of people around here:)

We could go on and on about the strange driving habits of this country, but we will let it rest with: Don't ever assume that the oncoming car that is passing another is going to get over in time to miss hitting you....

Transitions 3

The weather is another big hurdle to get past! Many times when people find out we are from Southern California, the next big question is,"Why did you come here?" They just can't seem to get an understanding why anyone would leave the warmth of their country to come to this miserable place that they plan to leave as soon as they can.

The weather is almost always 20 degrees colder than what we are used to in Sunny Southern California. While we lived in California we never once complained about the heat. We loved it, more than anything, that for the last 15 years we have been able to wear our tank tops, shorts and flip flops on Christmas Day! Ah, what a dream!

A funny thing that is different too is that in California when the sun comes out you can feel it's warmth and you know it will warm up to be a great day. So when we see the sun out here we expect something from it. However, here in Lithuania, the sun will be out and it will appear to be a beautiful day. Then you head outside to experience the bitter cold of the day and feel like the sun is boasting lies! Lies we say! There is not a single shred of warmth that you can feel from it's presence! It continues to full us on a regular bases.

Here in Lithuania the weather begins to cool significantly by August/September. As we move into October we are wearing light jackets, but the kind of Jackets we would wear for winter in California. By November it is as cold as it will get in a Southern California winter and is in the high 30's and low 40's, but my no means has winter even gotten started here.

This November we saw our first big snow fall of the season and it stayed for several days, so it was at least 32 degrees outside. Snow doesn't last long here though. The Baltic Sea is only a few miles away and always brings in a warm wind and rain to melt the snow.

December and January brought us some cold temperatures in the 20's and 30's. We were really preparing for the coldest weather in January and February, but it kind of putzed out and now in February we are enjoying weather in the 40's and LOVING it!

It is funny how in Southern California we would be complaining by now about the 40 degree weather and here we are so thankful for how warm it is. It is all relative isn't it!?

Transitions 2

Hot water and Taking a bath!
Well, you would never think that this would be a transition to be made, but it is rather a big one. When we first moved into the house we are in now, it only had a shower. The Landlords generously offered to install a bathtub to the kids delight and mine as well. I love a hot bath on those sick days when my body aches all over.

The bathtub was installed months ago and a long while after that the wall was created to enclose it on one side. 2 sides had walls and one side went off into our (empty) indoor pool. It was terrifiying to give my 3 year old a bath thinking she could easily go out the back of the tub to an 8 foot drop to ceramic tile. Of course she was never left alone to bath during that time:)

The wall was finally built a few months ago, but never finished so it is just drywall and thus we are still all sitting to take a bath with no shower curtain for privacy. And me continually stressing that we will ruin the drywall before they get around to finishing it. Garrett most certainly felt this one more than the rest of us! He is the only one that prefers showers to baths:)

The other "fun" transition is the hot water. We have a water heater that is half the size of the one in the States. If I fill the tub with hot water, that is it. It takes a little more than an hour for the hot water to reheat. This heater is for laundry, dishes and bathing. It is really fun when we have several people over to spend the night:) If I am feeling yucky and want to take a bath, I really have to consider all the things that are happening in the near future to see if I can afford to be so indulgent:)

The switch to the heater looks just like a light-switch and is located inside the bathroom so several times it has accidentally been switched off when Garrett cleans the bathrooms or one of our guests is trying to figure out which switch turns on the light in the bathroom:) This usually leaves us with very cold water when we finally realize what has happened and no hope for it to heat up for hours:) Several times we have heated water on the stove to make a bath. This really make us feel like missionaries............and of course the kids start saying things about little house on the prairie.

Part of transitioning to a new culture is just realizing that some people struggle with this same stuff in our country as well. It is not unique. Another thing we try to do often is just laugh and move on, otherwise it can really make you crazy with anger. Anger just makes life difficult!

Outside the "Christian" Circle

What do you do when you struggle with feelings that lay outside the "Christian" circle? You know, there are the "acceptable" struggles that Christians will allow and you can talk about these things openly, such as addictions to food, caffeine, TV, busy-ness, and shopping. For some reason these are more acceptable than smoking, drinking, bar hopping, porn, and sex outside of marriage. Did you feel the shift? What is really the difference here? They ALL keep us in bondage. ALL addictions keep us from experiencing the FULLNESS of God. ALL addictions are gods we serve and thus break one of the 10 commandments. Why is it we okay some and not others? Why do we choose to live with any? Don't get me wrong, I struggle here too.

What about "feelings" outside of God's will that are acceptable and not acceptable. Here again, we tend to accept being dissatisfied with what we have and wanting better and nicer things. We work hard to get better and nicer things when the "old" things are fine, we simply get "tired" of them. Have you ever remodeled your kitchen just because it was outdated? We justify our consumerism by saying,"I work hard, I deserve it." Our friends say,"Wow, it looks great, it was about time."

Let's take that to the family, especially the marriage relationship. What happens when you get "tired" of them? This principle no longer applies does it? Of course not, but what happens when it becomes a feeling you begin to really struggle with? When your feelings become "taboo" and you no longer feel you can share them with your friends because they are SO wrong. This is exactly when satan jumps at his opportunity to isolate us and attack like crazy. When we choose to struggle alone, satan gets his foothold and we will have an intense struggle that only escalates and gets stronger. It is amazing how he can get our mind to work against us.

The problem here is not the struggle with thoughts, feelings, and desires that are outside of God's will. The problem is not recognizing it for what it is: temptation! It comes in all forms and can last quite a while. It sneaks into our lives before we are even aware it is there. It often comes upon us as we sit back totally unaware it is happening because we are so tightly wrapped up in it emotionally. Plus ,the guilt can be overwhelming.

I was surprised with a tactic Satan used in my life quite recently to try and lure me away from contentment with my family.........

As a woman and someone who loves the Lord and wants to draw closer to him, I am not really allured by sexy looking men. Men are men and they seem to all want one thing and one thing only......sex. But a Godly man, now that is a different thing entirely. There is just something about a man who has a passion for Christ. A man with single mindedness in obedience to him. You just can't help but be drawn into someone who is so Christ-like. Christ is alluring and seeing Christ in someone is alluring as well. I met someone like that here in Lithuania. Watching him speak and seeing his passion for God and for his family and his devotion to his wife made me admire him so much!

It wasn't long though before that admiration turned sour and it became jealousy of his wife and discontentment with my family...I even began to wonder if I had some crazy feelings for him. Wanting to be around him must mean something intimate right? Well, no! It doesn't, but Satan can twist anything like friendship into something aweful and outside of God's will and then try to lure you into it. I wrestled with these feeling alone becuase I could not recon with them. What was going on? The rational side of my brain reasoned and made sense, but the fantasy side seemed to be winning me over. I began to allow thoughts to taunt me. Things like, "If only I had that kind of husband....wouldn't everything be better." Reason told me that I had the very best husband and things were fine right now, but even then the fight inside continued.

I am educated enough to know about the "grass being green on the other side". It was just so nice to believe there was a perfect man out there somewhere. Someone who loved their wife and never looked at another woman or was unfaithful in anyway........ Part of it was fun to get lost in non-reality. Moving to another country and becoming missionaries had quite possibly been a strain too much to handle and getting lost in the fantasy world was a great escape, but was quickly becoming a dangerous one. I was really aware where these kind of thoughts could lead and I was not about to be another statistic of a marriage that collapses. It was time to fight this like the battle that it was and stop letting the "feel good" emotions rule my mind. Which was a very alluring thing to do, by the way. Take EVERY thought captive and turn it to God, force it into submission before the Lord. I had to remind myself daily that my ultimate goal is to please him! And I knew discontentment was not going to do it.

Now, when I began to think, "Why can't my husband be more like....." I would remind myself about all the good things my husband was doing currently. There were plenty of things to think about too. I also began to change my thinking when I saw my friend. He was more like a little brother that I was so proud of. When you think this way it is hard to go in the wrong direction from there.......

Even though my thinking never went into the direction of having an affair, my thoughts were still used in attempt to destroy me and my family. Discontentment was key for me and getting my eyes off of what I have and coveting what I didn't have was my struggle. It was the most bizarre experience to really really want to stay in that fantasy world even when I knew it was doing so much harm to me and, in turn, to the way I felt about and treated my family. I couldn't believe how strong the pull was to continue down that path. I never longed to stop the trot down the path to certain death. I even knew what laid at the end and it didn't seem to matter. I finally made the decision to choose to follow the truths that I had read in the Bible and had seen played out in so many lives before me. I have seen the outcome of following the emotional self and it has never been a good one. Why would it be any different for me now? It wouldn't. It was going to be a battle now of determination. Part of that was to reveal myself to another sister in Christ. Which is exactly where I started. It was amazing how that one act of confessing to my best girlfriend took the power out of Satan's grasp in my thought life.......he no longer had the "secret" power to toy with my thoughts. It was out in the open and I had some accountability. Ultimately, that was all I needed to get things going back in the right direction.

I feel so ridiculous for having had a battle like this, but hey, I suppose there is nothing new under the sun is there? I am happy to say that I am back on track and remembering to love my family, especially my husband, for who they are. I am remembering how special they are and how God selected them especially for me and me for them.

Transitions 1

Of course language has been the biggest transition. It is funny how little I noticed that I read every little sign that was posted in the States. Billboards, Street signs, bumper stickers and those little cardboard tents restaurants set on the tables. You just don't notice these things until you have all of them to see and none of them in your language. At first it was frustrating not to know what all the advertising was about, but of course I got over that quickly.

It is funny too in the grocery store how much I have relied on the pictures on products to help me decide if I should buy the product or not. Sometimes I just can't figure out what the product is by the picture that is portrayed. It is amazing just how much the language barrier can make you feel so helpless. I am planning on having a Lithuanian friend take me through the grocery store and give me a real good tour:)

I am learning to read body language a whole lot better too, though I've been wrong a lot. To me it sounds like this culture seems to have a bent towards "angry" tones when they are not angry at all. When listening to a friend talk with another friend in Lithuanian, I would ask,"Are you guys mad?" and the answer was always,"No." Could have fooled me. It sounded like a heated debate, but that is just the way they talk around here. They seem surprised when I ask. It is funny to watch another culture interact through my own cultural filter.

I have really learned how to be with people and not always understand everything that is said. I am also learning how to be quiet in a group. That is a feat in an of itself. It has made me a better listener and when I meet someone who speaks English I am so ready to listen because I am eager to hear my native tongue. Something I have struggled with for years. Listening and REALLY being interested in what is being said.

What is also interesting is speaking with people who's 3rd or 4th language is English. I often have to translate what they "might" be meaning by what they have said. Nothing is inferred. Something as simple as directions: "It's on the other side of the store" may not mean that it is next to the store at all, but quite possibly that it is across the street. I always have to clarify what I have heard to make sure I have heard it accurately. There are many misunderstandings that go on and that is just part of life:) We all learn to roll with it.

As a challenge to you, if you meet someone who is new to the country. Please invite them to take a trip to the grocery store with you. One afternoon. It is simple things like this that make all the difference in the world. It makes the transition to a new country that much easier! To them you represent the whole country.........

Our kids are funny.....

A man at church from the states was introducing the next handbell piece that would be played. He spoke English. After introducing a few more songs Sonshyne leans over to me and states clearly,"I don't think he knows Lithuanian. He speaks California."

Quite Possibly the PERFECT Day!

Okay, so everyone has one of THOSE days (and quite possibly many of them). You know, where whatever can go wrong does. But have you ever had a day where everything that could go right, does go right? I think I've just experienced one of those days myself...... in my very own family none the less. It goes like this..........

Sunday morning was upon us again. Our children simply love Sundays. It is the one day they get to see their best friends and run through the halls where we meet for church each week, chasing each other in reckless abandon, all the while mom and dad are too busy preparing for the gathering to stop them. This morning in particular, was special in my mind. Garrett was given the honor of preaching and his topic was adoption. I was going to give a short testimony and sing a solo that would help to emphasize his point. I had been feeling a bit apprehensive about singing a solo since the song Garrett chose required my full vocal strength and I could feel the cold I had gotten 2 weeks ago still lingering by a thread, but there none the less. Alright, enough about what we were going to do it was time to get ready to go do it.

We woke the kids, who all seemed to be in stellar moods. When asked by the youngest," Where will we go today?" and upon finding out it would be a church day, she threw her little arms around my neck and crooned loudly,"Ooooh, thank you." Like by some great power of my own, I had willed the day into existence. It made us all smile and there was a good feeling all around.

There was cooperation in our midst as we breezed through the getting ready to go process and loading ourselves into the car. A usual tantrum of one sort or another usually erupts and keeps the tension high, but not a whinny voice of rebellion broke the calm morning air this day, to the relief of all.

In the car we prayed through the A.C.T.S. prayer, as is now our custom on the way into town. Everyone went in their right order, one after the other without having to be reminded it was their turn and with each saying more than just one thing on the subjects of ,"You are.., Confess.., Thank You's..... and Pray for....." Even the youngest, who refuses to participate on a regular bases, had her heart set on praying this morning.

At church our focus changed from immediate family to our church family. Garrett and I warmed up and practiced with the worship team. We have been part of the worship team now for 3 months and are loving it. The practice went smoothly and a run through of my solo alleviated any lingering fears I had had that I might not have the vocal strength or nerves to sing the whole song the way Garrett had written it so many years ago.

During the service, worship went smoothly. None of our kids caused a commotion or tried to come up on stage as in weeks past. They sat unattended and payed attention. People seemed to be worshiping with us and not yawning from a previous late night out or an exhausting week of being over worked and underpaid.

Garrett preached on the Lord's adoption of us. Saul translated. The two worked like one on the stage. It is like poetry in motion to watch. There is not a lot of pausing for these two as when other people translate. Garrett spoke fluidly and so did Saul. Both were preaching at the same time so it seemed. I videotaped some of it. Then Garrett invited me up to share a bit about my adoption experience. I choked through most of it since I am still so raw with emotion right now and felt confident as I looked around at the congregation that God had touched some of them through my pain as I saw a few people dab at a tear or two in their eyes.

Near the end of the service I came up to share the song "Abba Father". Garrett played the guitar while I sang. Being a perfectionist I can say it was not the best I have done, but God is giving me the capacity to be okay with not being perfect and not feeling like a complete failure because I wasn't. We had the song translated on power point so people could understand the words and I know the message was brought forth and that is what we had intended to do. That being done, I went back to my seat to take my place by our boys. And to my complete delight and utter surprise, was greeted with comments from them that went like this," Was that you??? You're AMAZING!!!! That wasn't a recording was it, that was you singing? You sing soooo great! Why don't you do that more often?" Little did they know that I would ride on a cloud for weeks from those powerful words they spoke into my life. I think I will never need a complement again. These little rascals know me and have seen me at my worst and yet they poured forth words of kindness and awe that I could see came straight from their deepest parts. They were not holding anything back. They were not trying to make me feel good. They were really impressed. I have done so much to un-impress them by not being a good manager of my temper, that to have impressed my boys was truly an honor and privilege for me. My boys think I have an amazing voice:) I wonder if that is how God feels when we sing to him? It has helped to give me a whole new picture about worship and how God responds when we give it to him.

After church, we broke down the stage and purposefully headed home without a whole lot of socializing. This was the day we had set aside to get the house ready for Christmas. We were going to go into what the kids call "The Dark Forest" and chop down a Christmas tree. Our first time ever to chop one down. It felt so much like "Little House on the Prairie".

We have 3 forests. Two of them are mostly Elm trees. All their leaves have fallen to the ground. You can see all the way through the trees to the other side now by just standing at the forest's edge. The other one is full of Pine trees (evergreens) and they are so close together that they block out ALL of the sunlight. When the kids go exploring deeper into this forest midday, they have to take a flashlight with them. Thus the name, "the dark forest."

We had been scouting out the trees for a few weeks now as we would drive by them each day and thought we spotted one that would work near the edge of the forest just down our dirt road. We got all dressed in our winter gear, grabbed axes, saws and camera equipment, of course, and headed down the road to find our prize! It was a sight that delighted my heart as I brought up the rear. Our dog and his puppy joined us for the adventure and really made the picture complete. I was bursting inside for the unity of family it felt like this activity was bringing us. Everyone was excited to be together and get our tree.

After looking at some possibilities we finally settled on one in particular. It wasn't a perfect tree at all. Some of the branches went here and there and it looked like it had two tops, but it was the right size and we decided we rather liked its imperfections. It gave it character and we are a family with some characters of our own so we set to chopping it down. It was quickly discovered that the ax was not the way to go and the saw was. Everyone took their turn at sawing, but Ezra was made for the job and so he fell the tree with great enthusiasm and encouragement from us all.

Next was the job of carrying the tree back without dragging it through the mud on the way. The "men" took on this task while us "ladies" took our time bringing up the rear. Well, really Sonshyne did her best to help carry the tree and keep up with her brothers while Hevenlee and I scurried to keep up and document it all with pictures while I held her hand and tried to avoid the huge puddles from the nights previous down pour. But the first 2 sentences just sound better:) And since this is my "perfect day" story, we'll just stick with that. Choose what to remember right?

After we got the tree in the house, all trimmed up and in position, we got out the lights and ornaments. Now it was time for fun Christmas music! Traditional Kids music was the unanimous choice and we set about singing songs, like 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer' sung by the "Gold and Silver Choir", while decorating our tree with the Lithuanian straw ornaments I found at a great price. Our kids were eager to help hang the ornaments, though I had to fight the temptation to redecorate the tree later so that it was more pleasing to the eye. Our tree still has no ornaments at the very top. I just smile when I look at it and think the kids won't remember the way the tree looked but they will remember that they got to be part of the experience and that is what is important here.

When the very last ornament was hung, we turned out all the lights and had the official lighting of the tree! It took Ezra a few moments in the dark to hit the switch, but when he did it was wonderful. It is always my favorite moment when the Christmas tree lights come on for the very first time after we have spent so much time getting the tree ready. It officially felt like Christmas!

We played the "Frosty the snowman" and "Rudolph" cartoons on the TV, while we cleaned up. They are the same cartoons Garrett and I grew up watching each year when we were little. We lounged around the rest of the evening and had popcorn and other finger foods for dinner. I think we even squeezed a card game in there somewhere.

Sitting in our living room together getting along, with a fire in the fireplace, all the candles lit and loving and enjoying each other reminded me of a Norman Rockwell painting. It was a day I will cherish for many, many years to come. It is a day where our family really bonded with each other and a few weeks later we are all still talking about it with fondness in our minds. It is a day that we are all longing to do again and thinking of ways to do it. God knew we needed a day like this day. It is a day like this day that will get us through many, many days, like the usual days. It is also a day like this day that will keep us thinking on how to make it happen again. I am looking forward to creating another day like this one soon.......

Seasonal Depression and my Birthday

It has been an interesting month +. I have had little energy to do much more than exist and make it through each day. Then all of a sudden, a few days after my birthday, BAM! I have energy! It is weird how family issues can stay with you for so long. Here I am living a great life, but my son's birthday comes in November and my depression begins until my birthday in December is over. I just discovered this trend last year. I can see how it has been happening for most of my life but finally named it last year. It's name is George by the way;)

This year I gave myself permission to check out here and there when I knew I couldn't pretend any longer. I stayed home more and connected with people less. For me, being an extrovert and all, this was a good thing. If I struggled with depression on a regular basis I could see how isolating would be a bad thing, but for me, it is important to pull back at such an emotionally fragile period of time each year. I have a hard time being around people and often find it hard to be tactful in so many situations. It seems safer for my relationships if I am around less during this weird time. It is amazing how hard it is to explain this to people while it is happening. "I'm sorry, I can't be around you right now because I don't have it in me to be polite to you....." For some reason the "tact" goes right on out of my capeabilities.....

For many years I thought I was a big flake. I was always so energized for the beginning of the school year to start in September. I would get all involved in everything. I had the time, the enthusiasm and the energy to do it all too. Then a few months go by and we enter November and suddenly it is hard to make it to any of my commitments. Everything seems overwhelming and I begin to not care much about anything anymore. The pressure in November mounts until December comes. The three days before my birthday seem to be the biggest stress of all. Then my birthday.....which you think would be the worst day of all, but I guess I resign that it is happening and it does feel good to have people wish you a happy birthday all day, so the day turns out fine. Then a few days later BAM! energy back, problem is most of my commitments are now over because they usually involved programs or events that occured on or right around my birthday making everyone too busy to celebrate me much at all. They have to cut something out you know! (Yeah, I know, poor me! wah wah wah.) Christmas is exciting and New Years brings with it a whole new vitality. January, my favorite month of the year! A crazy cycle eh? It has only taken me 38 years to see it too!

This year was a little different. I decided to be aware of every little detail of this strange cycle. Only a week before my son's 13th birthday I felt the black cloud creep into my life. I don't know what the connection to my first born son's birthday is except that he represents my first child and as he gets older he gets closer and closer to leaving me. (Yes, this IS all about me). I think I mourn the loss of, "when he will move out", every year. I told my husband that I probably won't shed a tear the day he really moves out because I have cried about it every year already! Talk about gearing up! This is shear madness. There were a few days in there I thought,
" Maybe I'll need to get on some antidepressants", but then the black cloud drifted away and I began to find my rhythm again.

Along with this crazy cycle comes irrational and constant anger directed mostly at safe people ie; my husband and children. No one can do anything right and everything is wrong. I am certain that it is mainly because everything is wrong inside me, but my poor family suffers through it. And of course my children are powerless to stop it and by now my husband is afraid of me and just trying to make it through the day unscathed.

Seeing all this go on around me and being very aware that I am creating the insanity and damaging the relationships I long for with the ones I love, only feeds into my insecurity, intense feelings of being insignificant and self loathing. It reafirms, in my mind, that I truly don't deserve what I have. All this kaoss leaves me frazzelled and grasping for control. The result is masking it all with more anger. It is a viscious cycle that leaves me reelling out of control emotionally and grasping at anything to try and find some sort of grounding.

I wish I could say I chose to lay in the arms of Christ during this trying time, but I did the exact opposite and stayed under the covers longer and as often as possible throughout the day. I had been getting out of bed now for almost 2 years early in the morning to pray, but I had no energy, drive and definitely no desire. I decided to stop fighting it and cave in, knowing it would pass in a few weeks. God graciously allowed my children to get sick so I was forced to stay home with a few sick kids for about 2 weeks. I was almost sad to see the last of them recover and go back to school. Never before have I longed for a kid to be sick so I could have a reason not to go out and face the world. It is funny that I could not find it in me to give myself permission to stay home and take care of myself in such a way. I will make plans for next year I suppose. I will stop trying so hard to pretend I am okay. I will stop trying to make sure everyone else is okay and take some time out to let others take care of me for a change.

My birthday was on Monday this year, so the Friday before it I decided to send the kids to school, see Garrett off to work and stay home alone. While no one was around I was very productive. I got laundry folded, made a crockpot dinner and tried my hand at homemade bread (which turned our great). Then as soon as everyone got home I escaped to the safe haven of my room and ducked under the bed covers. When Garrett came in and layed next to me I began to cry. I just cried and cried and cried. I knew this was coming and thought I would have done this all morning, but I guess I needed my man by my side to be sweet and understanding. He was:) and so I was safe. He held me in his arms and I felt the gloom lifting as the tears flowed out. What a great thing God did when he gave us the ability to cry. I have determined to cry whenever I feel the need and not apologize for it ever again! It was a sweet release. A much needed cleansing. I could breath a breath of fresh air for the first time in a month when I was done. The mourning and loss were over...............the cloud was lifting.

I don't know what the point of all this is. I do know that I do not plan on living this way for the rest of my life. I know next year will be tough again, but I am determined that this is not going to rule my life. I will not give in to that. I can take the time right now to reflect on what helped and what did not and make those necessary changes for next year when I begin to see it coming again.

What helped? I got many personal letters about how our friendship matters. When you are fighting overwhelming feelings of insignificance it really helps to get notes and letters from friends telling me what I mean to them. It is especially important to get these from my family members who I care so much about. I can't tell you how often I began to cry over the simplest statements made by a sister or cousin during this time when they said they were proud of me and admired my decision to move overseas. All the rest of the year I know these things, but during this bad time I can't seem to recall it. The silence becomes deafening.

It also helped to limit my time away from the home. This year especially I was able to minimize my involvement in extra activities. I noticed when I was home for 2 weeks with a few sick kids at a time my anxiety level went down and I was much more comfortable in my skin. When I would go out and do activity after activity (which is customary around this time a year and often expected) I would begin to not be able to cope with the simplest of issues. The whining tired child who needed kind words and a loving touch would receive a threat of consequences instead. At home I am needed and I am significant and I can also rest. Also, someone else planning my birthday party was helpful. I know it is hard to plan for "the planner", but it was so nice to have a small celebration that I did not plan. It made me feel significant and special (thanks Sanna).

What didn't help? Asking friends to keep in touch extra through the month of November and not having them do it. It is really hard to put myself out there and ask for help because if I ask for help and expose the area of my weakness and then the need still goes unmet it just feeds right into my deep feelings of insignificance. If I don't ask and no one knows then at least I know why. The other thing that really rubs me raw are all the reasons why you "can't come" or "couldn't remember" around this time. I have heard them all, over the past 38 years, as to why this season is too busy for me to be remembered, but all I hear in there is that I wasn't important enough to be remembered. After all we do what we really want to do and we remember what we really want to remember (that is what repeats in my head). I guess some examples would be,"Sorry I forgot your birthday, I was so busy with such-n-such....." or 2 paragraphs detailing all the reasons why you were too busy these past weeks and couldn't possibly have found a way to send an email in this wired world we live in. I don't need an "oooops I forgot" birthday wish. You don't need to tell me you forgot, I already know that. It doesn't matter that it is 3 or 6 or 15 days late when you remember. A Happy Birthday is a Happy Birthday whenever it is remembered and no apology is necessary when you do remember after all! (there is no anger intended in this last paragraph, just raw facts and how they effect me during this time, sorry if the truth touches a nerve or two, I don't hold on to any of it after my birthday is over.....weird huh?)

Boy, am I glad this season is over for me. I hope to be better prepared next year so that it is not such a tough season to get through. Thanks to all those who prayed me through this season and for so many of you who sent emails. It meant the world to me!

Facinating thoughts about "Fasting"

Primary purpose of Fasting
Fasting must forever center on God. It must be God-initiated and God-ordained.
Secondary purpose of Fasting
More than any other discipline , fasting reveals the things that control us. This is a wonderful benefit to the true disciple who longs to be transformed into the image of Jesus Christ. We cover up what is inside us with food and other good things, but in fasting these things surface. If pride controls us, it will be revealed almost immediately. Anger, bitterness, jealousy, strife, fear - if they are within us, they will surface during fasting. At first we will rationalize that our anger is due to our hunger; then we will realize that we are angry because the spirit of anger is with in us. We can rejoice in this knowledge because we know that healing is available through the power of Christ.
Fasting reminds us that we are sustained "by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God" (Matt 4:4). Food does not sustain us; God sustains us. In Christ, "All things hold together" (Col.1:17). Therefore, in experiences of fasting we are not so much abstaining from food as we are feasting on the work of God.
Fasting helps us keep our balance in life. How easily we begin to allow nonessentials to take precedence in our lives. How quickly we crave things we do not need until we are enslaved by them. Paul writes," 'All things are lawful for me,' but I will not be enslaved by anything" (1 Cor. 6:12). Our human cravings and desires are like rivers that tend to overflow their banks; fasting helps keep them in their proper channels.
You are to be the master of your stomach, not its slave!
Where are the people today who will respond to the call of Christ? Have we become so accustomed to "cheap grace" that we instinctively shy away from more demanding calls to obedience? "Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross." Why has the giving of money, for example, been unquestionably recognized as an element in Christian devotion and fasting so disputed? Certainly we have as much, if not more, evidence from the Bible for fasting as we have for giving. Perhaps in our affluent society fasting involves a far larger sacrifice than the giving of money.

The Practice of Fasting
With all disciplines, a progression should be observed; it is wise to learn to walk well before we try to run. Begin with a partial fast of twenty-four hours' duration; many have found lunch to lunch to be the best time. This means that you would not eat 2 meals. Fresh fruit juices are excellent to drink during the fast. Attempt this once a week for several weeks. The most important thing to monitor is the inner attitude of your heart.
After 2 or 3 weeks you are prepared to attempt a normal fast of 24 hours. Drink only water but use healthy amounts of it. If the taste of water bothers you, add a teaspoon of lemon juice:)
(All the above are excerpts from Ch 4 in Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster)

I still think you should run out and buy a copy of this book:) I am so excited about what I am learning each week as I read a chapter a week and how it is challenging me in finding discipline in my own life and thus spilling out into the lives of my children:) Who would have though!
This book will have it's 30th anniversary in print in 2008. My cousin and I are going to Celebrate it's anniversary by declaring 2008 "The year of the Disciplines". We will have a chat room so we can share our discovery's of each discipline each month as a group! I hope you will plan to join us. You have a few months to think about it:)
This is what the year will look like:

The Inward Disciplines
2008
January / Meditation Ch 2
February / Prayer Ch 3
March / Fasting Ch 4
April / Study Ch 5

The Outward Disciplines
May / Simplicity Ch 6
June / Solitude Ch 7
July / Submission Ch 8
August / Service Ch 9

The Corporate Disciplines
September / Confession Ch 10
October / Worship Ch 11
November / Guidance Ch 12
December / Celebration Ch 13

It's the little things........

Why is it so much easier to handle the big crises things in life? When Garrett was rushed to the hospital and I thought he might possibly die, I gave total control over to God's will. I knew he knew what I could handle and I just couldn't believe he would bring me all the way out to Lithuania to make me a widow, but that if he did he would use it somehow for his glory. That seems like such strength, but really I am not so sure......

It really is the little things that count. I once heard Chris Brown give a talk about how Satan knows he is not going to get you to do a full about face and follow him instead, but if he can just get you off course a little now, in the long run he has done his job to make you that much less effective for Christ. I believe the illustration he used was that of a ship getting off course by just a hair, but by the time they travel for days, they are miles off track. And how important the light house becomes because no matter how far off they are, the lighthouse light is steady and they will find safe haven if their keep their eyes on it. Isn't it just like the Lord. He is our light and he is steady for sure. When I have my eyes on him I am on the right path.

For some reason this illustration has stuck with me. It just makes so much since. My struggle is to keep my eyes focused on the Lord during the little things that start to get me down. I was able to trust God to rent my house and he came through, albiet the last 10 minutes we were in the country. But what matters is that I can trust him to get our visa's here, to get winter tires for our car, to keep us here by sending finaces. I have to force my attention on what I know about the Lord and not what I can see with my human eyes. I see the impossible because I know that I can not do it.

I am realizing as we have lived here now 2 months that the cost of living has increased since we were here last and we underestimated our budget, so now we are completely dependent on God to meet our expanded financial needs. One would think that is a great place to be! I on the other hand like to have a lot more control than that. I am truly a product of my American Society:)

What in the world and I doing on the mission field, isn't this the place where really strong spiritual people should be? All these little things make me want to pack up and come running home and quit! A complete failure. No wonder more people are not doing this, it is scary! This relying on God stuff is really tuff. It is funny too though how he has never failed me in anyway, but I still find it hard to trust him. He can send his son to earth to live as a man, but he may not be able to meet our financial needs........hhmmmmmm. There's some screwed up thinking here.......I guess I am not so worried about whether or not he CAN meet our needs. I know he can, but whether or not what I think our needs are and what he thinks our needs are, are one in the same. Now we're getting somewhere....... That is the real fear. I think we need more money! That will fix everything! What if God knows less money will make us stronger and more dependent on Him? Now that freaks me out.!! I am not sure I want to be that kind of "stronger" and "dependent". I will just have to keep meditating on the verse in Phillipians 4:5-7 "Let everyone see that you are gentle and kind. The Lord is coming soon. Do not worry about anything , but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks. And God's peace, which is so great we cannot understand it, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." It doesn't say here that he will give me what I want, just that I will have peace. I could go for some peace right now:)

It is so funny how I live duel lives like this. The fight is agonizing. My flesh is crazy insane while my spirit is wholly devoted to the Lord. I feel schizophrenic. I know Paul touches on this in one of his many letters to his converts. I have been reading in the new testament lately and it has really touched me deeply. I have really been able to meditate on some smaller verses like the one I shared, that have helped me to keep a better focus. I am blown away at how much God loves us. US. I will never understand why. I know for me how many times I am ready to bail out and save myself. Only I know I wont' be saving myself at all. Sometimes this life sucks:) And yet isn't it soooo wonderful.
I feel really ready for God to come back now...............

The Discipline of Prayer

Prayer catapults us onto the frontier of the spiritual life. Of all the Spiritual Disciplines prayer is the most central because it ushers us into perpetual communion with the Father. Meditation introduces us to the inner life,
fasting is an accompanying means,
study transforms our minds,
but it is the Discipline of prayer that brings us into the deepest and highest work of the human spirit. Real Prayer is life creating and life changing. "Prayer-secret, fervent, believing prayer---lies at the root of all personal godliness," writes William Carey.

To pray is to change. Prayer is the central avenue God uses to transform us. If we are unwilling to change, we will abandon prayer as a noticeable characteristic of our lives. The closer we come to the heartbeat of God the more we see our need and the more we desire to be conformed to Christ. William Blake tells us that our task in life is to learn to bear God's "beams of love." How often we fashion cloaks of evasion---beam-proof shelters---in order to elude our Eternal Lover. But when we pray, God slowly and graciously reveals to us our evasive actions and sets us free from them.

Intoduction to Chapter 3 of the "Celebration of Discipline" by Richard Foster
This book is again rocking my world! I hope you will take the time to get it and read it as well! Believe it or not it is so encouraging and says that all these disciplines are a life long process! What a breath of fresh air!

What's your story?

As I was praying this morning for a couple I know who is desperate to have a baby and has not had one yet, I was wondering what God's decision was going to be about it. Was he eventually going to grant them the child they so longed for or would he allow them to continue to experience the deep deep pain and longing unfulfilled? What was their story going to be? And would they be able to stay strong in their faith through it all?

It got me thinking of course about all our stories. We spend so much time running from the turmoil of life, when it is through the turmoil that God really ministers to us. It is also these hard experiences in our life that God uses to give other people hope. What good are we to so many hurting people in this world without hope, if we have made it through life unscathed?

I ran from my story for many years. I was angry and bitter that God didn't let me stay with my birth mother and father. I imagined that life would have been so much easier if I had formed and kept the proper attachments as a young child. What I forgot was that I would not be who I am today if it were not for the experiences he allowed me to have back then and that he can use these hurts and broken things in my life to minister to others if I will let him. If I can find victory in my past then he can use me even more.

So.....what's your story?

early morning prayer? Bite your tongue!

It was a long time ago when I was introduced to the idea of morning prayer. I was sure the only people that do prayer in the morning are those who are morning people and find it easy to rise out of bed and pray. I find prayer difficult. I am not very focused. I am not a morning person. It was nice when a speaker at some conference I had attended gave me permission not to get up in the morning and pray. He said I could pray anytime of the day. I immediately checked that one off my spiritual "To Do" list. I was quick to justify my need for 8-10 hours of sleep and that I could pray at night. It released me for a time in the morning hours, but I didn't really pray at night.
God got a hold of me a few years ago and I knew he was calling me to sacrifice some of that sleep I thought I so desperately needed and was a complete maniac if I didn't get. My drive for more sleep was a hard one to bring to the alter. I needed my sleep! But was sleep a crutch (or god) that was keeping me from fellowshipping with my maker? If he calls us to be a people of prayer is he not also capable of sustaining us through the day if we walk in obedience to his will? I was willing to test out that little theory......
Almost two years ago, I began getting up at least an hour and a half before the rest of my family. I knew this was going to be my new way of life and not just something I was testing out for a few weeks and then could quit.
I could not sit and pray yet, so I began to walk or go to the gym. I quickly learned that my thought life was running ramped and I was way out of shape. I couldn't stay focused to save my life and I was out of breath anyway. I needed some structure, so I chose to follow the A.C.T.S. prayer format to give me direction. I also walked a little slower at first and never referred to what I was doing as exercise or I'd quit for sure.
So A.C.T.S. goes like this, first, praise God for who he is, then confess sin, thank him for all he has done and begin praying for all the other things on my mind. If I took 5 minutes for each then I would have a 20 minute prayer walk. Not bad for a non-prayer / non-exerciser.
For a long time I walked around a fairly large block by my house and changed subjects at each corner. It helped me so much with the focus issue. I also walked with friends and was willing to travel to meet them! However, it was really discouraging when they would cancel in favor of sleeping in. I had to grapple with the reality that this was my personal conviction and not put it on anyone else to help me in this. I was sadly aware of just how little I knew my savior personally because I needed a partner to meet with him and I would get bored, loose my focus or just run out of things to say. This new way of life was going to pose some challenges.
I realized I was running out of praises for who God was because I didn't know him that well. I found I was saying the same thing over and over. God you are good, you are Lord, you reign on high, you are the alpha and omega, the bright and morning star........ hmmmmmmm............ Somewhere in there I would accidentally say a few lines from a familiar song and then I, of course, was lost in that song before coming to my senses and forcing myself to focus again. This was such a time of learning. Oh, did I sorely lack focus in my thought life. Eventually, I found a list of many of God's attributes and was able to use them for my praise time. It sure helped. ( I am aware there is an endless supply in the Bible:) One thing at a time!
Confessing my sin posed a big problem because I was confessing the same thing every day. Shallow and empty. I was getting bored and irritated with what I was confessing. It was getting old and monotonous. I imagined that God was probably getting tired of having to forgive me for the same things everyday as well. Especially when I seemed to be doing nothing to change my pattern of behavior. I began thinking," If I spent some time working on these areas then I wouldn't have to confess them anymore." What a novel idea eh? Besides my pride was being effected by it. So, being the perfectionist that I am, I determined to do away with some of these old sins patterns in my life. However, there really is never a shortage of sin to confess. It is hard though, to be honest about the details of sin I let myself indulge in. Now a year and a half into it, I have noticed that the more consistently I've prayed, the easier it is to hear the Holy Spirit's convicting voice and the deeper I can confess, be cleansed and move into a right relationship with God.
Thanksgiving is always easy. You can thank God for trees, grass, the sun......I think that is why, most of the time in prayer, I just skip right to this one. It is easy to focus on what God has done for ME. It keeps me feeling important. Praising God humbles me and confessing helps me see myself for who I really am when I don't let God lead. Thankfulness is refreshing. I don't have a tendency to run out of things to say here. It is a good reminder of all that I have even when I am feeling low and poor. It can be so lifting to list all the blessings God has bestowed upon me. Even just the fact that I can choose to get up in the morning to pray, and that I can walk while doing it. What a blessing.....
Once I get to the prayer request time, I often feel like some of the things I thought were so very urgent are now unimportant. I am now much more prepared to lift up concerns to Him. I have put myself in right relationship with God by acknowledging who he is. I have reminded myself of who I am not and remembered what God has done in my life. After this process, I see His strength and am more aware of His will in all things. This time begins to vanish quickly as the needs of so many, near and far, are impressed upon my heart. There is just so much that needs to be lifted up in prayer that 5 minutes a day is just scratching the surface. Yet, at first it seemed like it was monumental and insurmountable.
The effects this prayer time has had on my life has been revolutionary. I have been involved in spiritual growth activities for more than 30 years and nothing has changed me like my early morning prayer time! There has been a RADICAL transformation in my life! Amazingly I have felt calmer and more centered (go figure eh?). I have had the capacity to live outside myself and have truly begun caring for people and not just acting like I do. I have had more energy to use throughout the day then ever before and yet I am getting substantially less sleep. I went from 8-10+ hours a day to 5-7 max. I can see the difference, because on the weekends I choose to sleep in and I actually have had less energy and have felt more sluggish and empty on those days. Could God really be filling me with His supernatural power throughout the week?
This question was answered with a resounding "YES" when I chose to put my prayer time on the back burner while we transitioned to life in Lithuania. I got up less consistently and maybe only half an hour before the kids woke up to get a quickie prayer in. My reasoning seemed justified. It is hard to adjust to a new culture, a new school routine and I needed more sleep now that we were all getting up at 6:30 am. Again the god of sleep reigned in my life.
Problem was though, I was not adjusting. I was more and more impatient and discontent with everyone and everything, especially my family. It was contagious too. I could hear my irritating impatient tone mimicked in every one's voice in the house all the way down to the youngest. We were all biting at each other constantly. It was like wildfire the way it spread. No one was getting along and I was getting angrier and angrier about it. What was going on? My family was falling apart and I was out of control to stop it. I was actually perpetuating it! I felt like I was spinning out of control at an alarming rate. It was a downward spiral that was sucking me in and I felt helpless to fight against it.
Confessing that I had no control was hard. I finally realized that I had to start getting up an hour and a half before everyone else again. So 5am it was. Yeah, I was thinking the same thing........"too early! Way too early." This would be interesting..........especially now that I was out of the habit of getting up. Would I be able to get back into it again?
The first morning wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. The alarm went off and I felt very tired but ready to be obedient and meet with my Savior. It was a special morning, just He and I as we fellowshipped by the fire while I drank tea. Aaahhh, this was what my soul needed. I felt centered again, for the first time in weeks!
When the kids began to rise, I felt happy to see them. That felt so good! Throughout the day the kids bickered and fought, but I seemed to have the capacity to deal with it gently in spurts. Wow, what a turning point. My rage and anger seemed to have lost just a bit of their stronghold in my life, but I could see that this two-some wasn't going to give up easily. I had 5 family members reminding me of my past choices in their current behavior. It was going to take some consistency in my life and time to see a change in everyone.
As the week progressed and I kept faithfully getting up despite my strong desire to roll over and sleep some more, I could see the change it was making within me. I had energy like I hadn't experienced in years and yet I was loosing up to 3 hours of sleep a night. How could that be? But it was real and I had to come to grips that my fellowship with God first thing in the morning was the only thing getting me through each day with more than just a shred of sanity:) The household seemed to be settling as well and kindness began spreading from person to person. This was worth my time! It made no rational sense, but it was not hard to see the effect it was having on my whole family. There has been more peace, love and harmony in the past week, since I have again adopted this new routine, then there was when I was getting "enough" sleep and fellowshipping less often.
I won't miss my time with God in the morning anymore. Sleeping longer is simply not worth it to live on my own human strength throughout the day. Often I have to remind myself that my new motto is," Sleep is overrated!" (I'll just keep saying till I believe it:) thanks CR. Until then, I will choose to be obedient to God's personal call in my life and not listen to my flesh. It is good practice. I have never regretted getting up early and praying, but have often regretted sleeping in just a little bit longer:)

Pride, Control and Discontenment

The more I have been reading the New Testament lately the more confused I have become. At the end of 1 Corinthians it talks about all these great gifts and how they should be used in the church to edify one another. I think, "How wonderful this would be if we could use all our gifts to glorify God and lift each other up." I begin to hope in my heart that God would grant ME the gift of prophecy since it is suggested by Paul to desire the greater gifts. Then just a few verses later it says that women should be quiet. What? How can you tell me to desire these gifts, get me all excited about using them, then tell me I must be quiet? Something I will think on and discuss with some scholars.....

As I read on in 2 Corinthians I am taken by a few verses in chapter 3:5 "We are not saying that we can do this work ourselves. It is God who makes us able to do all that we do." I think I read that yesterday, but for some reason it only sank in today when I read it again. I hadn't planned on reading it twice, but an elder in the church took me to get an alarm system installed in our new car. He needed to do some errands as well so I waited patiently in the car and began reading my Bible. It is a good thing I have begun carrying it with me. I was actually just trying to find where I left off. I really needed to reread it though. I am feeling like I can not do this. I know I can not do this new life in Lithuania on my own for sure. I am emotionally overwhelmed this week. We have put out a LOT of money we didn't anticipate and a few more surprises here and there have just been more than I feel like I can handle well. Even though it is nice to have our 'stuff' it is now EVERYWHERE and waiting for me to get to it. Like I needed one more thing......I started my period today. Aaaahhh the extreme emotions explained. Praise the Lord that in a few days I will go into hormonal balance and be strong again. What is that about?

Another few verses that comforted my weary soul today were 2 Cor. 4 :16-18 ," So we do not give up. Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside us is made new every day. We have small troubles for a while now, but they are helping us gain an eternal glory that is much greater than the troubles. We set our eyes not on what we see but on what we cannot see. What we see will last only a short time, but what we cannot see will last forever." I know God has it under control. It is I who looses control and I am desperately grabbing at it let me tell you.....

Why is it that contentment with where you are is so hard to grasp. This week I have worried so much about money. "What happens if we dont' have enough?" "Are we doing enough ministry to warrant what people are giving us?" "What will we do if we need more than we have?" I even began to think irrationally about how to generate more money from what we now have. ' We could pull the kids out of school, that frees up 500 a month'.....But that is not rational. The kids are good where they are and we will have enough money! I am just trying to stay in control and not give this over to God.

I am finding it very difficult to live on so much less. In the States we were getting in one paycheck more than we get here in a month. It goes farther here, but there really isn't any room for extras. It is a big adjustment. One I knew we would have to make but hurts to make it. I am reminded now that I am the Rich Young ruler that Jesus speaks of in his parable. The ruler was living by all the laws, but the one thing he could not give up was his lavish lifestyle. I wouldn't even say I was living a lavish lifestyle by American standards, but I could go to a movie and coffee whenever I wanted to, that's for sure. I am understanding why so many people told me that they couldn't do it. It is not easy....and we have it good where we are too.

Reading on in 2 Cor. I found my memory verse and the verse I think we will begin learning as a family. We can say it each day after our prayer ride into town. 2 Cor. 6:6-10 "We show we are servants of God by our pure lives, our understanding, patience and kindness, by the Holy Spirit, by true love, by speaking the truth, and by God's power. (stop here for family, going on for me) We use our right living to defend ourselves against everything. Some people honor us, but others blame us. Some people say evil things about us, but others say good things. Some people say we are liars, but we speak the truth. We are not known but we are well known. We seem to be dying, but we continue to live. We are punished, but we are not killed. We have much sadness, but we are always rejoicing. We are poor, but we are making many people rich in faith. We have nothing, but really we have everything"

This is what I need to know by heart. This is the truth about my situation. I am a rich woman! What I get to do is help others live rich in their faith. I know what is going on is a spiritual battle. It is an old one. pride/ control/discontentment. It is alive and well and tries to visit as often as I will let it. Drenching my mind with the truth of God's word is the only remedy. Believing what I read and reading what I believe is a must for all of us.

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

Wow, what excitement is generated by the first day of school. Many schools had their first day on Saturday because it is September 1st, when school must start. Our first day was on Monday the 3rd. We did not have to be there till 11am and we stayed only a few hours. We stopped at the IKI (super market) to select our long stemmed flowers to give to each of their teachers. Hevenlee was devistated not to be carrying a flower today, but she would have to start in a few days, after her Doctor's appointment. I tried to explain this to her but she would not be consoled as usual.
We arrived at the school with plenty of time for me (mom) to take the usual allotment of "first day" photos. By the building, by the garden and in front of the school etc etc. Boaz is sure he is too old for such photos which is evident by the way he has his face set it each picture. It is funny. But this is the one time I will use my motherly status to get what I want......memories! (Plus photos for the blog. I am beginning to get teased by Pastor Saul about posting everything on the blog.......it is funny.)
All the children and their parents began to merge upon the school and in time we had a rather large crowd just outside the school building, waiting for the big first day ceremony to begin. All the administration (all woman) looked lovely in their new hair dues and fresh clothes with vibrant smiles on their faces as they welcomed us all to school and got things rolling.
First we sang the School Hymn as a couple of boys brought in the School Flag. It was lovely and I tried my best to keep up with the Lithuanian words and learn the song. They had past out a song sheet. After the song, we heard from a few speakers. A pastor, shared briefly, a few things and a passage of scripture. An older woman, who seemed to be of some importance to the school also shared briefly. The odd thing about the woman was, she presented a gift of 3 jars of jam to the school. She had made them from her own garden and canned them herself. I was wondering how in the world the whole school was going to get to have some of that, but I know the thought was nice and it was received well. Each speaker was in turn given a gift of a framed piece of artwork done by a students at this very school.
All of a sudden there was a bit of looking around and my translator, Algina, told me they were looking for the teachers. They had been in the crowd only moments ago and now were gone! As a group we cried out for the teachers. The young ones were totally into it, but the older kids, 7th and 8th were being silly and saying things like," keep the teachers we don't need them." Not much of a difference in culture there don't you know? After a few more cries, the teacher's emurged tied up and being led by a Pirate (the only male teacher). He dragged them in behind him and yelled, "I won't let your teacher's go unless you can prove to me you want them!" Or something like that. I have no idea what he really said, but you start to just make up stuff that seems like it would fit when you don't understand the language:) He proceeded to make each class answer questions to get their teachers back and after all the classes had answered their question correctly they were told to come up and get their teacher if they wanted her. Sonshyne went right up and grabbed her teacher. She had no problem getting right in there and participating. Her face was alight with excitement!
The funny thing about this Pirate was that he had a gun in his waistband and kept waving it at the kids and yelling something at them in Lithuanian. I couldn't help but make the comparison that he would have been arrested for this display in any of our schools in Southern California. I laughed to think of such things. I laugh a lot when I compare this world to the one I used to live in.
After all the teacher's were back in the crowd, the first grade class was especially welcomed. (Kindergarden is not really school here, it is like preschool) The older 8th grade class (the oldest) was instructed to take the 1st grade class (the youngest) and lead them in the ceremonial march around the whole school while ringing a hand bell at the lead and into the school building to their classes! How exciting it was....and a little kaotic as well.
Boaz went off to his class. He is participating in the 6th grade class. They did not have room for him in the 7th and 8th grade. The 6th grade class is a good class. Only 10. 6 boys and 4 girls. He made the observation that," there are not enough girls to go around, so 2 boys would be out." I am quite certain he doesn't think he will be one of them;)
One girl in his class speaks English quite well and did much translating for him. He knew her from the school he attended last time we lived here. She pushed all the kids to speak English so Boaz would understand when introductions were happening. Imagine that , all English for one kid. That is unthinkable in the Southern Cal!
Boaz is really getting into school. I went into the class to check his work the other day and all 4 girls were standing around his desk. Poor baby, taken away from his home country to be surrounded by all these cuties. Yeah, don't be feeling sorry for him!
Ezra sat quietly in his class. He is in the 4th grade here. (His regular grade) His teacher is nice, but knows no English and not many kids know English in his class. It usually takes him a bit longer to make friends, but when he does he has deep friendships. He has good things to say about school each day so we are glad. There are 10 kids in his class as well. Only this class is 6 girls and 4 boys.
Sonshyne loves school. She has been ready for school for a year now. She is so enthusiastic and is learning colors, numbers and foods in Lithuanian. The teacher is really pleased with her involvement. I have had the priviledge to sit in on a few hours each day of class and am learning as well. I do seem to elicit giggles out of the teacher quite frequently though. Sonshyne had to have a Psychologial Evaluation in order to attend this school. The Psychologist was surprised at how advanced she was and gave her possitive recommendations to start immediately. I guess kids don't start Kindergarden until 6 years of age.
There are several teachers at the school that help Sonshyne and I understand what is going on in broken English. The school has been super nice to accomidate us all so well. It feel like we are home here as well.
Hevenlee got to get here flower on Wednesday and go to school. She was so excited but I was sure she would change her mind as soon as she got through the doors. I had planned this week to stay with her till lunch each day. They have a nap after lunch till 3pm. Very nice. I got her slippers on and we entered the classroom. The teacher took me back out the door and down the hall to put Hevenlee's stuff in her locker. I put it all in quickly anticipating a stressed out, door hugging child would be waiting for me to get back to her. I walked quickly into the classroom and scanned all around the other door hugging kids who were still mourning the loss of their parents recent departure and could not spot my child. I broadened the search to include the whole room (a rather large room) until my eyes caught sight of her on the other side, already engaged in play with anther child by the baby doll toys. Okay, this was my moment. I departed and ran off to join the Kindergarden with Sonshyne for the day. I picked Hevenlee up after nap time at 3 and it seemed as if she was just fine after all.
What a fantastic First week of school. The kids are all a-buzz about their new friends and the words they have learned each day. It feels like we are home! It is good to be home!

Wee Funnies

The other day I was trying to get out of the full sized van we are borrowing. I had climbed in the back to put Hevenlee's shoes back on her feet. When I went to step out onto the edge of the van with my left foot, the strap from the bag of toys the kids had on the floor tangled up my right foot and I lost my balance and went tumbling out the door and to the ground. Don't worry, there were no cars coming along that narrow road and I only suffered a little soreness in my muscles from the fall. It wasn't until later when I retold the story that Hevenlee said," When I grow up and am a Dad, I will catch you and pet you." It still makes me laugh to think about it.

Sonshyne came upstairs in the house and said," I need that thing, I need that small thing, that 'fire bottle'." "Fire bottle?", I say," Is Dad outside making a fire and needs the lighter?" To which she say," Is that what it's called?" We now call the lighter a 'fire bottle' for sure. What a clever girl.

Ezra is in charge of chopping up the dog bones each night with an Axe. I went out and there were brick bits all around the ground by the chopping block. I looked up the wall and low and behold there was a medium sized chunk out of one of the bricks on the corner of our house. I could see that there were 3 intentional chop marks. I asked Ezra," Did you chop the house?" To which he stands perfectly still and replies,"NO!" I say," Then how did this hole get here?" He says," I just stood up with the Axe and that happened." Wow, now that is one strong Axe. He finally confessed and lost his Axe priviledges for a while. As if there is not enough to chop on our 26 acres of forest that he has to see if he can chop the house down too.......